Whiplash

My weight machine tried to kill me this morning.

I was doing knee extensions, when suddenly the cable inside the machine broke in half and the remaining cable whipped out! The leg attachment went high in the air with a sudden lack of resistance and I almost caught it in the face! That was the end of a workout barely begun.

I'd be more upset about it if not for the fact that I hate this machine. It's a sort of knock-off BowFlex, from Weider.

(you can just see the cable missing on your right, bottom. As the damage is inside the machine itself, this sucker is toast!)

I had a wall unit that worked great for a long time, but then my strength out-paced everything it had. It maxed around 220 lbs, so this Weider machine topping out at 340 lbs seemed like a really good idea. I notice they don't even sell anything like it anymore. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who didn't like it all that much!

I'm now on the hunt for something to replace it. Whatever I get, I will never buy anything based off a pulley-bow-resistance type of thing again. The real problem lies in the fact that it's hard to own all the right equipment to get a full body workout... which is why people join a gym. Yes, I'm aware. However, as someone long dedicated to working out in pajama bottoms and a sports-bra on occasion, I'm a solid work-out-at-home type.

I do have a free-weight bench that does a couple things with two different bars and huge plates. I have dumbbells with changeable plates (which is annoying, and I've long eyed those click-changers.) But when it comes to my legs, I'm extremely strong, and I need a set-up that provides multiple ways to exercise and self-spot. Putting it all together in a "station" is extremely appealing to me.

I also don't have a ton of money to spend on this. My husband has finally given up the idea of a man-cave in the basement (thank goodness! Although, it's just because he just prefers to camp out in the living room instead.) That means we're selling off the furniture down there in the "extra living room" and making the entire area a home gym, as he knows I exercise six days a week, and he likes to pretend he would if we only had the right equipment. I finally have the space, just not the funds!

So, if you know of any good ones, let me know! I'm on the hunt!

Not Rolling

I've taken enough hits in the past couple of weeks that I'm past feeling bad about it, and I'm well into the land of the ticked off.

I've had the life and energy sucked out of me, and I want it back. My mother and her issues really took it out of me. My dad is finally back and they're back in their own house, but then I spent yesterday in the doctor's office and the hospital trying to rule out appendicitis for my daughter.

I've lost so much productivity with both of my businesses over the past four weeks that I want to bawl my head off. Which solves nothing, but I want to. I'm furious with myself, but you cannot force art. Also, if your brain isn't functioning correctly, you can't force anything else either. To which...

I realize that I am angry that the FMD plan didn't work for me and that I became so scattered that I lost all productivity. It was a big disappointment on top of that, since I was so excited (and I'm normally so cautious of any plan), and now that's left me wondering what to do. I'm angry that I flipped back to BFL - but still leaving all corn, wheat, soy, sugar, artificial sweeteners and more behind - and I GAINED weight. (I started to whine for a minute that apparently the only way I can lose weight - and slowly - is to be on a plan where I cannot function. Which is of course absolute nonsense, so I'm irritated with myself for being a ninny as well.)

I admit, I tossed the diet and binged a couple times, to the point of unbelievable discomfort. Then, I was left with the panic that I must be seriously defective to do something like that to myself, and what did it solve? In some ways, the whole point was to make me hurt. I'm aware of that. I didn't want to eat, I wanted to physically make myself feel as bad as I felt about everything else. I wanted to make myself hurt, to retaliate for everything I think I failed at, screwed up, missed out on, or ruined.

I'm supremely unhappy right now. And angry. OH, so very angry.

I'm a fixer. I don't like to wallow. Other people wallowing, I have a very small tolerance for. I have even less for myself. Work the problem. Be upset, sure, but work the stupid problem or shut up. If you're just going to sit around and whine about it and not even think about a solution, why not surrender and do us all a favor and shut up?

I'm sure as heck not surrendering. I'm pissed.

So, I'm back on track nutritionally, although still trying to figure out how to carry what I liked from FMD and put it into BFL. I've started wondering if something like weight watchers might allow me to hybrid the plan more efficiently (although, the last time I looked at WW they had little boxes you blacked out and a huge long paper thing you had to fill out for the week. 1990 maybe?) Any feedback on this, or another type of plan, or app, or just plain ideas about this are more than welcome. My non-negotiables are these:

• no corn, soy, wheat, dairy, sugar, artificial sweeteners
• exercise 5-6 days per week, but if I add in extra food like some plans let you "compensate with" I will gain. It's just the way I'm built, apparently, so no extras earned
• I cannot go high carb or low carb, either one makes me ill or unable to function correctly
• I like having a day off per week where I don't have to think about any of this, because then I don't feel like I'm a prisoner, even if I eat most of the day on plan

That's about it. You would think I could make things work out with that, but instead I find myself flailing about. I think what I liked best about FMD were all the recipe and meal plans that were included. They helped me add variety to my meals and branch out into new things. I liked that the app had me plan out my meals up to a week ahead of time, a grocery list, and more. Any slick apps like that out there?

On the productivity front, beyond the annoying life ran over me with a garbage truck and then pulled over to start kicking me in the ditch thing (yes, it could be worse, I'm just grumpy), I realize that splitting my time between the two companies in my head is devastating to my feeling as though I've accomplished anything worthwhile. I'm making a list of things that need to be completed for both businesses. Each day when I wake up, I'm going to look at those lists and ask myself which one is more doable today, and then dive in. Without regrets about the other list. My idea to schedule two days per week for one business and the rest for the other isn't working. I'm more of a free spirit than that, so giving myself the option is my newest shot at a solution.

As for the parts of my life that I cannot control? Yeah, I got nothing. I gave in to my coping with food and myself more miserable and more angry, so clearly that is a non-option. I've done the extra walks, and runs, and even boxing (although messing up my hands is not a good idea with the art stuff.) I'm a fixer, and I feel like things need to be fixed in my life. I need to change the beat. But most of the things that are bothering me the most are ones that are out of my control.

Lack of control over things that greatly influence my life is infuriating. That, right there, is something that I do not know how to deal with effectively. Any new coping strategies? I've done the exercise, writing, talking... heck, I even tried knitting (for the record, I stink at knitting.) I'm wishing that there were classes that I could sign up locally for in order to learn something new. But there aren't, instead when I call for information I am asked to teach them.

But maybe that is a strategy I should follow up on. Maybe it's time I try something new, something hard enough to keep me obsessively distracted, yet productive at the same time (my son keeps suggesting I try this video game or that, but I don't want to fall into playing something that accomplishes me nothing.)

Let's see... I'm not willing to jump out of a plane, so skydiving is out. Scuba diving is out because of my asthma. Cave exploring... well, I'd end up a news story for sure with that one. I can't sew without causing myself bodily harm. I can't get anything to grow in my garden.

Hmm... I googled "new exciting hobby" and got "45 Manly Hobbies" *snort* ahem. More than half, I've already tried, and several are actually jobs of mine. Huh. I'm manly!!!  Who knew? Or wait, are you only manly if they're hobbies and not occupations?

I'd like to learn how to blow glass, but I'm a little worried I'd turn into a human torch.

Maybe archery? I mean, how much trouble could I really get myself in with a bow and arrow...

What Do You See?

I'm not the type of person to hang out for hours on YouTube. I can only take so many funny cats, or hamsters doing back flips before I feel like I've lost minutes of my life that I'll never get back. (My children and mother are a different story. They have to be forcefully cut off from the videos!)

Still, every once in a while something catches my attention. Usually it's posted on Facebook, and although I rarely watch any of those, sometimes I do. This one caught my eye today:

Interestingly, Canada again.

I actually keep the advertisements to a minimum in my house. At first it was a conscious choice, I stopped any magazines coming to the house when the kids were little. We watched tapes rather than tv shows if we were using the television. With DVRs, we can skip through commercials. Still, a lot gets in. Enough.

My emphasis in my business degree was marketing. I can tell you that the thinking behind marketing is repulsive. The whole point advertisers are trying to make with their ads is in manipulating you into buying their stuff. Not just once, but being "brand loyal". The school of thought behind how marketers try to manipulate children in order to get to the adults is outright sickening. But I always remember that the biggest and most influential source in my children's lives are my husband and myself. I make a point to say "OK, be pretty, but what else? Who are you? What can you do? A potted plant can be pretty, but you are more than that. Show me who you are, be something, do something, be more than your wrapper. Be an actual person. That wrapper is no guarantee of anything in your life going right. It can be gone tomorrow. A fire, an accident, anything can change that wrapper. You cannot just be about how your body stacks together. You have to be a whole person." It's something I not only try to teach my children, but myself as well.

So far? It's going pretty well with my daughter (my son could care less about media or looks, he's all about architecture and computer design.) Our arguments are about the Peace Corps, not designer jeans and breast implants. That counts for something!

The Last 10 Years

I'm not sure where my lovely, warm (80+ degrees), and fabulously sunny days went. I want them back. We keep waking up to the ground being frosted, and the highs being in the 40's and 50's. That's COLD, people! At least it is when you want to go play in the sunshine because it looks so inviting outside, only to find yourself darting back in for a jacket, hat and gloves.

I even have the fireplace on this morning. I suppose that's not that unusual, only mid-May in Vermont. But after shorts-weather, it's certainly depressing.

I'm still stir-crazy here in Vermont. We're still contemplating moving. However, in a weird twist of things my dad went out of town for a couple of weeks and my mom got weird on her own. She became confused and not as well functioning, so she moved in with us until my dad gets back (although she's gone back home now, not getting what she wanted from us.) A discussion was held, by her, about us building an inlaw apartment onto our house. Apparently, my father doesn't take all that good care of himself either. They function reasonably well together, but even that is starting to deteriorate.

Now, I'd like to stop a moment and say that my father is 66, and my mother is 60. They're not old, in the way that I think of old (heck, my husband's grandmother is still kicking in her 90's now! Living on her own, teaching dance lessons!) While my mom has MS, my father is just a mess because he doesn't take very good care on himself. At the same time, my husband's parents (same age) are also suffering from health issues and are moving to an "assisted community" as well, also not taking the best care of themselves.

While I was in Canada on vacation, this PSA came on the television and it just stopped me dead in my tracks:

How spot on is that? They should be running it in the US too. Because I see it. I see it in my family, I see it in my husband's family. I am fighting it in my own, and winning. We actively strive to eat healthy. We exercise, and play sports, and take walks, and get outside. We do it consciously, because I know it's important to take care of myself. I want to feel good.

Heck, when I don't exercise I literally have body aches and my anxiety is bothersome. But I can go for a long walk, lift weights, run or bike - and for the rest of the day my body (especially the muscles across my neck and back) doesn't hurt. When I eat the right foods, I don't feel like my skin is stretching and I'm not nauseous as I often am with any junk or restaurant food.

I long ago made the connection between the food I eat and the exercise and movement I engage in resulting in less suffering for myself. Oh sure, I have the weight issue (too much of the good food can still cause that. I'm pretty sure I was a squirrel in a former life, because I could live off of nuts and seeds.) But I don't hurt. I don't feel sick. I'm maintaining my body as best as I can (and working to get the weight off to boot.) I'm aware, and I make conscious choices that sometimes mean I am left out of a function in one instance to choose another I want more. I make an effort to go exercise, even if it does make me a hamster on a wheel. I choose these things because I want to take care of myself. I want to be here. I do NOT want to spend my life with oodles of pills and sickness surrounding me.

My parents have chosen differently, deliberately, and the results are plain at such an early "old" age for them. I'm unwilling to follow in their footsteps. My last 10 years are going to be liberally sprinkled with cruises and European trips! Also, should the tele-porter be invented, I'd like to live in the islands.

Hey, it could happen.

It could!

Triggers

We're on the last day of FMD before we quit (so two weeks in total), as we decided to finish out the week. I'm glad that I got something out of it besides feeling like I was going to die during phase two. I got rid of the sugar/sweeteners and basically all cravings. Somehow, something in my brain got reset back to "food is just food, it's not an experience." I don't think my brain has been back at this point for a couple years now, and there's a sort of relief that comes with it.

I actually achieved that point only one week into the plan, so I will go back on it for a week here and there if my brain ever shifts back to seeking out food as my entertainment, comfort, or an experience on a regular basis. That being said, without those cravings programmed by hormones, sugar or whatever else, it became a lot easier to spot a trigger when it occurred.

I've been struggling in my studio to get my groove back since I went on vacation three weeks ago. Everything has been hit and miss, and I even started working on my Alice in Wonderland painting, only to have to set it aside.

See? All sketched out (roughly, as it's going to be acrylic on canvas, so not everything has to be precise - some might even change a bit.)

I had to walk away because it wasn't going right and I didn't want to ruin it. Sometimes the artistic touch is there, sometimes I'm better off scrubbing down the kitchen. *sigh*

I felt drawn to another medium, and even though the subject wasn't Alice, I decided to give in. Anything to get myself back on track in the studio! I knew what I wanted to draw (a fairy with a unicorn), and I had my reference model images and everything all set to go. I pulled out all my equipment. And then I paced. A lot.

I fretted.

I worried.

I WANTED TO EAT!

I wasn't hungry, at all. We're in the fun three days of Phase three, so I get filling things like nuts, protein, fruits and grains. So, my body and brain are fully functioning at this point. But I wanted to eat. I needed to eat.

I didn't eat, because fortunately I didn't feel the physical pull, just the mental one. That allowed me to say "TRIGGER!!! It's just a trigger!" and allow myself to come to a full stop. And what was it that set me off? Self doubt.

I have always struggled with the idea that I am not good enough. In school, in my family, it doesn't matter what context; I feel... lacking. I feel like I don't have as much value as the next person. I know I have some value, but it's always been less than most people (I have a few that I rank myself above - for example, the jerk who almost ran me over in the grocery store parking lot? I'm pretty sure I've got him beat.) This isn't a sudden thing that has happened, this has been from my earliest memory of myself. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

My art, though not good enough, had always been for me. If I didn't show it, sell it, share it - then it didn't matter if it was good enough, because it was good enough for just me - and I had the bar set pretty low. But I'm not keeping it to myself anymore, and haven't been for more than a decade. I feel driven to make a mark on this world, to add something, to leave something behind that says I was here. My art is my path, and so I have a business. I share it, sell it, show it. That means it's subject to other's approval or disapproval (and in the art world, there are an abundance of critics just dying for the chance to rip you to pieces.)

I never have problems coming up with ideas to paint. I have never had a single instance of "Artist's Block", because my problem has always been in choosing which one to bring to life. I have a million ideas and only one lifetime. (ARGH!) What I do have a problem with is the ambivalence I experience when starting a new piece and thinking it's going to be awful. That I can't do it. That it'll look like a child rendered it instead of an adult. That trying to sell my work (even though it sells) is a fool's errand and I'm just like those folks you see who set up a booth and price their works for thousands of dollars when clearly they've been playing with their paint-by-numbers kits and are delusional.

I'm scared. That is my trigger. That is probably my biggest trigger out of everything in my life. This worry that I'm not good enough... what happens when you spend your whole life chasing a dream only to find at the end of it that you were never good enough in the first place to even consider chasing it?

I still produce art anyway, because in the end I know better than to cave to fear. I put out art because even if I find at the end of things that I stink, it's better to have tried than not. I already have too many regrets, and I'm not good for much else, so art is all that's left to me - for better or worse. But the fear is there every single time. I have been dealing with it, and the spooling up of my art business into a more serious endeavor (as in, completely serious now for the past year and a half - whereas before it was sort of half-hearted.) During that time, that's when I have put on all this weight. It doesn't matter how many magazine covers my art graces, newspapers and cultural sections it appears in, businesses, and private buyers... I still bounce around in my head screaming "not good enough!"

My strongest desire to eat comes from frustration or ambivalence or outright fear in my studio. Because this is who I am. Eating dulls the fear. I don't know why that is, but it does.

So yesterday, as I was pacing around and realizing I wanted to eat the doors off my cabinets in direct relation to how horrible I was feeling about my art, a light bulb went off. I always knew this was part of the problem, but I would say that this is the biggest problem I have. It's not my mother's food issues that she inflicted on me. It's not my husband's job situation, my children and their morphing teenage dramas, my pets, my house, taxes, or anything else. It's me, and it's this fear, and while art may seem silly to other people - this is a huge part of my identity. And I am afraid.

I am afraid.

I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to confront it. But I sure as hell won't be giving into it. Food was my weapon against it before, and that is now stripped away. I don't want it back. Exercise doesn't change anything (I know because I've been using it for years, and it doesn't alleviate any of the internal fear.) Talking to someone, well that might help - but the last thing I want to become is one of those people who constantly need to be told compliments in order to exist (besides, I find it extremely difficult to accept compliments anyway, and that would just feel false.) The answer is inside me, and perhaps there is no answer. Maybe this fear is what keeps us striving to improve, and mine is just a bit over zealous?

I'm trying to figure out how to combat the fear, and I'm finally aware enough to know that the answer isn't in my kitchen. Thank goodness! Because it never really changed anything anyway, except the size of my pants.

I sat down yesterday and forced myself to start working. It was hard, and I was completely exhausted by the time the sun had set. I didn't even finish the drawing, but I did get some done:

Now this one, being a watercolor, is much more precise than the Alice layout. I have to get it right with watercolors, which may be part of the reason it's scary to start.

I've made progress. I feel better today. But this is a process that repeats itself, this fear comes to visit on a regular basis, and pops in to check on me at regular intervals. I don't have the answer to fighting it, but I just eliminated one of the rather ineffective tools for combating it. And that's something positive, if nothing else!

Quitting

I've never liked the idea of quitting. In my world, I try to never make anything about quitting, but about changing the game. I view quitting as flat out refusing to play anymore, walking away from whatever it was that was worth chasing in the first place.

So, this plan, this Fast Metabolism Diet. This is the second time I have ever done a plan from a book, because I'm skeptical as heck and I don't buy into fads. The first was BFL, and it changed my whole lifestyle. I view that as a success, not a fad. This time? Well, I admit I am feeling a bit suckered. 

This is the second week of the plan and I'm into the 2nd phase (2 days per week is phase two, it cycles through three during a week) which involves almost non-existant carbs and fat. Last week, my brain barely worked and I slurred my words and I generally thought I was in hell. But we were sure that things would shake out, it just had to be an adjustment period, right?

Nope.

Here I am, same position. If you knew how long it is even taking me to write this post you would be floored (and along that line, please excuse any excessive typos or phrasing issues. It really is this plan.) My brain is numb, even my ears have a sort of removed faraway quality of sound - everything feels surreal and I even did something last night that scared the heck out of me (I won't go into it, but it was weird.) I'm exhausted. 

Last week my husband and I couldn't figure it out. I mean, I was eating every couple of hours, following the plan precisely, so even though it was low carb and fat, I should have been OK for two measly days. Out of frustration I entered in my food into the LoseIt app on my phone for the entire day.

660 calories. 

Excuse my language, but wholly shit.

Yes, a calorie is not a calorie. I completely agree with that. A Twinkie with a multi-vitamin does not equal an apple, even if they are the same amount of calories. My body uses them very differently. BUT! While a calorie is a funny thing we've established for food and doesn't tell the tale of how your body truly uses food, the world HAS managed to use it as a decent guideline for quantities required to maintain our necessary functioning. Yes, it's a rough ballpark, but it's IN the ballpark. 

660 calories isn't even in the ballpark, it's stuck outside listening to all the cheering because you didn't buy yourself a ticket.

What's more is that I really, truly have hypoglycemia and have since I was a child. That's why this is affecting me so badly, I think. I cannot focus for long periods of time. (I've walked away from this post multiple times now, because I forgot what I was trying to say or it just seemed to hard for a moment.) My words are sometimes slurred. My physical accuracy is shot (meaning I cannot draw or paint.) Basically, a day on this Phase2 is a day lost for me. And it's not just me, my husband is having huge problems with this too.

So, we're quitting. 

Well, we're quitting, but my way - which is we're changing the game. This is not working for us, and frankly 660 calories a day for two days is just plain nuts. That's not eating healthy, and eating healthy was the entire point of going on this plan anyway! 

We're going back to Body for Life, but strict - as it was back on the original plan. The same thing I was trying to do over and over and failing at, but I failed because I had too many tweaks involved which then led me entirely off the path. It will work, because it always has - it failed because of me in the past, and that isn't a problem now. I'm ready, and actually it's because of this FMD plan.

Even though I am failing at this FMD plan, I did get some good out of it: 

• Completely purged my Splenda/Artificial sweetener problem
• Completely eliminated any sugar cravings or issues
• Completely purged my butter spray crutch
• Taught me about spelt and sprouted grains/breads
• Reminded me how good it was to cook with hubby and to branch out from our staple veggies
• Healthy, yummy recipes - some with things we'd not tried before

We're going to take the good we got out of the FMD program, and leave the bad behind. We'll apply the principals of no dairy/wheat/corn/soy/sugar/Artificial to the BFL program, and keep it ultra clean. 

I lost a pound this week beyond my low of last week, bringing me to 191. I don't care, because this is not a way I can live, and I can lose that fast on BFL and not feel like I'm dying. Still, we're going to finish out the week (because today is mostly over, and the next three days are the higher fat and normal carb/protein days, so they're easily doable.) We'll only have made it half way, but I don't regret it. 

I'll do a better review of the plan later, when my brain is online. Until then, I'm just going to comfort myself the rest of the day with the knowledge that we're quitting. (I might have to sneak an apple though, if this gets any worse today!)

One Week Plan Progress

Week 1 on FMD: Hubby down 8 lbs. Me, I'm going to say down 6lbs. The reason I have to hedge about it is that I'm going by my lowest weight for the week and not my weigh-in at the end of the week - because at the end of it, my husband managed to drop another pound and my weight shot up 3.5 lbs on the same day. Men. I swear.  (In truth, I wanted to bawl my eyes out and throw a shoe at my husband's head.)

Regardless, week one on ANY plan is all about water-weight anyway. Most of it is not real. It's water. I can lose and gain water in massive quantities from one day to the next. It does not count for real weight loss. With that said, we're now into week two. Now we get to see if it's doing anything. If we can beat my lowest weight for the week, sometime during the week, then we know it's working. If not, it might be time to reevaluate. If I hold and don't go lower or consistently higher, then I'll probably do week 3 to see what shakes loose.

Honestly, I think it's a good plan. I'm not even angry at it. I'm angry at my body. I'm so tired of fighting my body. I'm tired of it working differently than everyone else's. So bummed, but hoping the scale starts behaving itself again. If I'm just screwy and I need my weigh-in day to be the middle of the week, I can handle that. I can handle screwy. I can't handle broken.

An upside is that I don't miss butter spray or Splenda. I was going crazy through days 1-4, I had physical issues even functioning a bit and I'm not sure why. The food is there, you are eating plenty and often, so I don't know. Days 5-7 are higher fat and more balanced carbs and protein, and that put my brain back online. During those last days I realized I didn't crave ice cream or anything decadent. I was fine. I was content, and not looking for other treats.

Interesting.

I was using maybe a touch more Stevia than I should, but not a ton at all (maybe a couple packets a day?) Still, I did some research online because one of the reasons I was doing this was to abandon Splenda and try to reboot my taste-buds and anything else got was thrown off because of it. You know, all the junk out there about any sweeteners pretty much say the same thing "We don't know what long term health problems will arise. We've seen some *insert dire consequences like kidney failure, cancer, etc* and there is enough evidence to warrant more research. So be aware the FDA and others don't endorse this product...blahblahblah." Seriously, sugar gets a better rap than any artificial sweetener (and yes, Stevia counts as an artificial in my book because while it comes from a plant, I'm pretty sure nature never intended us to be downing as much of it as we do in packets. Of course, the argument can then be made that we should be sucking on chunks of sugar cane rather than making crystals out of it. But then we all know Mother Nature never intended us to eat sugar like we do.)

Sweet, when it's not attached naturally - as in already there and not needing to be added to the food in question - is probably evil. I guess we just have to assume that, whether we like it or not. No, there don't seem to be exceptions. And now I understand why so many of those health-guru folks don't even use Stevia, it's honey or nothing. I'm allergic to honey.

Bummer.

At least I'm not going through major sugar cravings. I probably didn't eat enough sugar on a regular basis to have any major withdrawals. But from the sweet flavors? Yes, that I had a problem with. I'm a sweet. My husband is a salty. One more unfair thing, I think, because it's always easy to get your salty on, but always tricky to do the sweet.

Are you a sweet or salty?

Here's hoping for week two!