Interestingly, I feel back in another sense too. I fully admit that my eating has been poor, and sometimes completely out of control for a while now. I suppose that phrase is wrong, because eating is always under our control, but I just didn't care to restrict myself and I went way over my limits many times. Burned out, angry, apathetic, whatever you want to call it - I was it.
On Saturday however, I woke up and literally heard in my head "I think I'm ready."
Ready? For what? Well, it was in relation to my food. I'm ready to stop. Stop the bad choices. Stop eating too much. Stop trying to tamp everything down with food, or feel left out, or make excuses. I think I'm finally ready to let it all go.
I woke up remembering what it felt like to be IN my skinny jeans, in that body that was 40 lbs ago. I could physically feel it around me, and I just realized that I am ready.
I also realized what I've been holding onto with the food. As much as I want change, it's also scary as heck. I WANT to move to North Carolina (still no news, I'm beyond irritated at this point) - just somewhere else, but at the same time it's the unknown. I've started over many times in new places, but I haven't done that since 2000. This is longest I have ever lived in one place. Things are also changing with my family, as my daughter is going to be 16. 16 is sort of the last step towards headed out the door. This is the tail-end of her childhood, and it's all transition to adulthood now. That's scary too.
I have a list of these sorts of things, scary changes. But then there is another list. I have a list of what is stable, what I can count on. There are some things that even though they're bad, they're... familiar, things that can stay the same. Weight, my weight, is one of them. I've been on the fluffy-chubby side since I was a teen. I toured obesity for a couple years in my early 20's, but then settled back to either healthy weight or fluffy. Mostly fluffy. Obese was uncomfortable and unfamiliar, but I realize that thin was too. Fluffy, fluffy is familiar. Fluffy is either barely in my weight range or just over it. It's where I've been since I was 12 years old, with very few breaks in one direction or the other.
So, I may have lived longer in this place than any other, but I've also lived as fluffy longer than any other way. I realize I have been sort of safeguarding that, almost as if it's part of who I am. But weight is NOT our identity - a confusing concept in our society, but it really isn't. It's familiar, and I'm someone who clings to familiar while yearning for change.
Are any of you like that? I know it's a silly thing, and it's not that you don't desperately want change, but it's also so scary at the same time that you cling to what you can - even if it's something you should let go for your own well being.
I've suspected this for a while now, that my weight is something I've been weirdly clinging to because it's who I see in the mirror. It's familiar. Even if it's a negative struggle, it's one I know well. I don't know who I am if I'm not fighting with my weight. That's a scary thing to say, because I am more than my weight. I am an artist. I am a mother. I am a person with big opinions, deep thoughts, and more... but for some reason my weight makes it on that list too, in its own quiet little way.
I heard somewhere this week (I can't quite place where I heard it now, probably the radio or the television) that you should pretend to be who you wish you were. You should make choices and take actions as if you were already a success, already have what you want. Pretend to be the person you want to be, and you will become that person.
That's a pretty powerful statement, and an even more intriguing idea. I've heard of the "Fake it until you Make it" idea, but it always bothered me on some level. I'm not sure why. I think because I abhor lying or false pretenses. However, I realize that person I want to be wouldn't be pretentious. If I was wildly successful and rich in my art career, I would never want to be the snob who turned their nose up at people and looked down on them. I would hate that person, so I know that isn't who I would actually be. Pretending to be fully situated in my career wouldn't be about pretending to be a different person, it would be about envisioning who I would like to be when I was successful like that.
The same goes for being at goal weight. I wouldn't suddenly be turning my nose up at chocolate, or telling everyone how they should do it my way, or selling smoothies and making my living as a trainer. People are going to judge me just as harshly then as they do now, so that won't change either. I wouldn't have to grow new armor, I'd be just as thin-skinned as I am now - but I'd still be me. But I'd be a BETTER version of me.
So, I'm actively working on designing that image of who I want to be in my head; professionally, physically, and personally. She's coming together, and I'm starting to be able to see her. I'm making someone who I truly want to be, without any impossible elements (for example, I will always be covered from head to toe in stretch-marks that I got from my awful growth-spurts when I was 12. I cannot imagine them away, it's not something that will ever be possible. But maybe this new me, she won't be so hurt when her daughter sees them and worries so fretfully that she'll have them too and be like mom. Maybe she'll accept them and realize that she has a lot more to offer than the ugly stripes, and those are simply a footnote that matter so little they're not worth even noticing in the mirror anymore.)
I'm ready. I'm ready for change. I'm ready to to grow. I originally typed "remake", but I realize that is a mistake. To remake, rewrite, well that implies something is wrong with where I've been up to now. There is nothing wrong with my path. This is the one I have traveled, this is what got me to here. Others would have made different choices, but that doesn't make them better. I'm not remaking anything, because what I have so far, who I have been is mine. This is me.
And this is me ready to be more.