I've been doing a lot of complaining about how bizarrely bad things have been this week, but nothing compares to yesterday.
I got a phone call around mid-day from my daughter who was totally distraught. A girl my daughter had grown up with had killed herself. They went to elementary school together (the girl was one year ahead of my daughter) and were friends, she had been to our house for birthday parties and my husband and I had both coached her on a soccer team. As she entered Junior High she went through a bit of a transition and they grew apart. When my daughter was in Junior High, this girl actually bullied her for a little bit. Eventually, she mellowed back out into the nice kid she had been before. My daughter was never close with her again, just friendly.
But to a teenager, any connection to death is a big one. To face the reality that this girl will never be in her math class again (they had a few classes together) is almost beyond comprehension. I stayed up late with my daughter as she cried herself to sleep and looked for reasons to feel guilty while I shot all of them down and explained that just because someone has taken their own life, it doesn't change the way things were. Only the ending is different, and there is no guilt in that for her.
This girl who took her life was a victim of pretty severe bullying. There are, of course, other issues too. Many, I'm sure (some I know, others I have no business knowing.) But the bullying was a pivot point of a sort. The main girl who bullied this girl has a bit of a target on her back now, and I've already warned my daughter about mob-justice and it having NO place in any of this. Another tragedy would only make this one worse.
I mentioned that my realtor had gone MIA on us because of a passing of one of her colleagues (side note: the offer is still live and in process, we did get an update. We will see.) I wasn't going to go into any details, but it actually connects in a strange way. That realtor was here in my house, and then a few days later she also took her own life. These two people have no connection as far as I know, but they both took their lives in the same unusual way in about the space of a week.
Suicide seems to be a very strong theme right now. It feels like it's everywhere. It's not, but it just feels that way. Raising a teenager, it's always a huge concern. I went through a really frightening time with my son a few years ago when he was in elementary school, and we got him the help he needed. But even so, it's a fear that sometimes keeps me up at night. As a parent, I know that if my child took their own life it would end me. Completely. Utterly. Maybe that makes me weak, but I know my limits, I know that would break me and there would be no coming back.
We're doing lots of talking, hugging, snuggling. The family asked for comfort food last night, and I made a healthy lasagna. My husband came home with Ben & Jerry's, and I admit that I had some too. It wasn't eating to numb, there was something more of a ritual about it. Comfort food, yes, but... something else. This was just different.
My weigh-in this week will be bad, but I can't bring myself to care. In fact, I may skip it. I'm so far beyond stressed out at this point. I really am having a hard time. Sleeping has been almost useless. I sleep, but I think I'm clenching my jaw in my sleep and getting a nice morning headache for my trouble. My stutter has started up again. All this stress, it's not funny anymore. I have no humor left.