Over a year ago, December 2011, I remember having to buy a new pair of jeans because my normal ones didn't fit and I was going on a trip to San Francisco. I ended up buying a pair that seemed fine, but then after wearing them a few hours they stretched out and became so big that I was constantly pulling them up. I remember being angry at myself for getting big enough that my normal clothes didn't fit, and this was what I was reduced to.
I cannot tell you how much worse it is now to have those same baggy jeans barely fit me. That's the backwards slide I did last year. I'm not proud of it, which is funny that I feel like I have to say that. But then, people like to shame us for messing up - especially with our bodies, don't they? "Are you proud of yourself? Just look at you!"
So no, I'm not proud. I'm angry. Worse, I've been feeling trapped. Which makes me angrier. Before people start throwing advice my way about eating and exercise, let me just say this: I don't want it. I KNOW. I know how to eat, healthy and correct portions. I know how to exercise, I even became a certified personal trainer through NASM, so I truly understand all of it down to the micronutrient balances and connective tissues. I've got it.
I'm not trapped because of a lack of knowledge or tools or ability. I'm trapped because of me, on the inside, and that which I cannot control on the outside. I look back to when I was at my thinnest and healthiest, and I realize it was easier because I wasn't helping shoulder everyone's life in the household. Oh, sure, I had my kids and they were young, but missing Bob the Builder is nothing compared to the worries that come with the teenage set. Back then it was about meeting their needs, now it's about guiding them, and comforting them, and hoping they find their way because you cannot do it for them. It's about letting go, and holding on, and knowing when it's the right time to do each. It's walking a freaking tightrope without a net over the grand canyon, is what it is!
It's a partner who helps, but has his own worries that can trickle down into the house and trying to deal with that. It's pets who are unwell, it's chores that stack up unless I yell at people to help out (and for the love of all that is fluffy, WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO CHANGE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?!?!?!) It's a household that I also work in that takes the brunt of everyone else's lives, that I'm left holding together, and taping and plugging holes and trying to make it all work, and when I don't they fall apart. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why that is. Why am I the only one holding it together?
So, I'm feeling trapped, and frustrated. And yes, I am well aware that there is so much good here too, I'm just feeling like it's unbalanced with the bogged down dismal parts. I want things for myself (not physical things, but career, health, social things) and my family which seem out of our reach right now. Out of my reach.
I've been running around looking for solutions, but sometimes in life there just aren't any. Sometimes you ARE trapped. I think I have spent a lot of time eating, and telling myself everything is OK. But it isn't, and comforting myself with food doesn't help. I also know full well that being thin and in this situation would not make it any better. That actually is a comfort, if you can believe it. It's a good thing to realize that your weight isn't the problem, just a physical manifestation of it.
So, here I am trying to hold on to things by the skin of my teeth (which really is the most bizarre saying), and trying again and again to get it right. Yes, I'm perfectly capable of eating healthy. Yes, I'm perfectly capable of exercising (which really hasn't ever been the problem. It's a food issue.) There is a depressing realization inside of me that the only way back into smaller clothes is to just give up. I have to give up trying to make it better. I have to give up trying to feel better. Because that's what I've been doing with the food, trying to make it better.
It's hard to explain why eating something decadent is more about struggling to hang on to the good things in life, a sort of life affirming action, than it is a food thing. But it is, which is why we do it. Denying that is just lying to ourselves. Choosing healthy foods and denying unhealthy ones can be considered life embracing, and maybe some day I'll feel that way, but even when I was at my thinnest there was a part of me that was in that depressed and giving up sort of stage (which is far too long a story to explain.) If I give up, and just let things suck, then I don't get to treat myself with something that I find yummy and comforting. Because it doesn't matter anymore, and everything sucks, and thus it's pointless to try and fight it, so no yummy.
So, I have to give up in order to get healthy. I have to just "embrace the suck" I guess, and that will hopefully lead to a healthier body. Because let's face it; things suck already. Sucking with ice cream doesn't change things, but perhaps sucking without it will, at least in my closet.