The underlying current all of this creates is stress, and I think it's been increasing for the past year which is why I'm practically in crisis mode at this point. I just can't seem to get a handle on my eating. I know, it's a whine that every person responds to with a "You just DO! Knock it off! If you are eating too much, STOP IT. If you are eating the wrong things, STOP IT."
And I'm going to tell you the honest to goodness truth back: It is NOT that simple. Maybe physically it is, but mentally it is not.
I've been tapping every healthy coping mechanism I have. I've been working out. I've been painting, even:
(This links to my art blog entry explaining the painting and how it's about my daughter and me as a parent.)
I've been taking extra walks. I've been talking to people I can talk to. I've been petting the animals. I've been reading, doing hot baths, painting my toenails, and more.
It's not enough.
However, I am not someone who gives up. Instead, this all just makes me angrier and more determined to search for an answer that will make it all click back into normal. I announced to my husband that I am dropping all my "new workout plans" like the Xbox thingy and such. I have major guilt, but that thing will be there to go back to. I need to do this. I'm going to flip back to old BFL style workouts, and just try to get an extra walk in sometime during the day if I can with Lily (weather permitting.) Why? Because I'm so used to those types of workouts that I can do them on autopilot. Autopilot is a good thing for me right now.
With that in mind, I'm going to the grocery store tonight and getting what I need so I can list out my meals in advance the night before and just grab something in two seconds from the kitchen and leave, because I need to be on autopilot. The only food I am enjoying right now is hot chocolate (I figured out how to make the best low-cal hot chocolate. Which would be fine if I didn't want to live off of it.)
I know that most people preach being present in their food choices and exercise choices, and that it's the only way to be healthy, but with the way my life feels right now, I think I need to check out instead of check in. I swear, if I could just give up eating altogether for a while, it would be a huge relief. My brain thinks to itself "OMG! You are almost 200 lbs again! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!" and I'm all good about getting my workout in and sticking to my plan. And then the bottom drops out on my day and I go to get a healthy meal and all I can think of is "Well, I'm not really hungry. I don't want that. Or that. Screw it. Or... but hey, see that bagel over there? Well, we could do that."
And while that wouldn't be a big deal because I'm not binging and eating my body weight in chocolate (really the calories are not in the range where a normal human would gain - just me), the reality is that my body really doesn't like the way I am eating. I don't know if it's too many carbs, I'm just too sedentary, or what, but I gain. I am the one person who if I ate only 1200 calories a day of only Twinkies (ew) like that guy did to prove a diet point that you can lose weight on anything - I would gain weight. What I eat matters just as much as how much, and I will gain weight on a small amount of calories of the wrong thing, verses the right.
And I can whine about that being unfair, or I can cut myself off at the pass and force myself to go on autopilot. So, boring as heck autopilot coming up!
I'm struggling. I've been struggling for a long time, and losing. If this doesn't work, I'm not sure what else is left.